


Sinking thoughts

by grossnoona



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: I have been sad lately :ccccc, I wrote this at 2 am after an hour of crying goddamn, the sakuma brothers thing is relatively solid but also nah, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-19 18:07:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14242875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grossnoona/pseuds/grossnoona
Summary: It's at the back of his head.All the way at the back.Deep in his heart as well.Stuck in his throat.But one day, sooner than expected, it bursts in front of Ritsu.He hates it.





	Sinking thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Grossnoona here.  
> Today, I wrote a vent fic bc I'm been overwhelmed lately.  
> I cried too much lately.  
> I did Ritsu because I actually relate to Ritsu more than I would like to admit (down to hating but not really my older sister)  
> So I decided to do a little projecting here haha  
> I hope you enjoy.

It feels like a mixture of bad anxiety and experience right now. People always ask in hush tones about the younger Sakuma. When did he became so lethargic? Why is he so unfriendly? Why is he like this? Why isn't he like he's older brother? They go on and on, it will always be endless. The answer however will always be an ' _I don't know_ ’ or a shrug from anybody. Mao counts as well.

 

It's not that Mao doesn’t know, _he does know_ but he, just like Ritsu, doesn't talk about it. It's something kept hidden at the back of Ritsu’s brain, something only Ritsu's heart would say in a lonesome tone when there's only the moon and the stars have run off somewhere far far away. It only speaks then, with _that sad tone_ that Ritsu hates. It sounds like a plea.

 

 _I used to like dancing_.

 

Ritsu once mentioned it offhandedly, Izumi looks at him with a funny look. Arashi as well. Tsukasa asks about how the phrase being in past tense instead of present. Leo isn't in today, he's got a fever. Ritsu shrugs at them and continues stretching like the comment held nothing important. Izumi rolls his eyes, Arashi switches the topic to Tsukasa not properly stretching. The room doesn't feel as tense as when Ritsu spoke; that's good.

 

They continue practice without mentioning a thing about the offhand comment. Like always.

 

 _I used to like playing piano_.

 

Ritsu has mumbled it in a quiet music room with only Leo present. He stops his pen and looks up. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. The unsaid question; _“why did you stop?”_ , it's there and easy to hear even when Leo had already close his mouth and pretend to not wonder. Ritsu doesn't answer it because it was no use in answering the question. Or at least to Ritsu. He thinks that there are things where it's just better to be left alone. Such things like why he stopped doing certain things should be left alone. Locked away where no one can see.

 

 _I used to compose songs_.

 

Tsukasa finds a stack of unfinished scores somewhere in the Knights practice room. He hands them to Leo and asks about them but Leo says there weren't his. Tsukasa looked puzzled and starts showing them to Izumi, asking( _demanding_ ) who wrote the songs. Izumi looks at them and says, “Kuma-kun, it was when he used to write.” What a kind and helpful person, Izumi. Tsukasa tries to ask Ritsu if it was true.

 

“ _I used to compose but I don't anymore._ ”

 

Before Tsukasa could ask about it any further, Leo calls him over to listen to something since Izumi was busy with work. Tsukasa puts the sheets aside and leaves Ritsu with a sad face. Ritsu pities the younger but whisks away any thought of checking his old music. No use at looking at useless songs like that. No use at all.

 

The next day, Tsukasa finds some of the music scores completed but a few others chucked in the trash. Izumi tells him not to bother Ritsu when he sleeps.

 

_I used to love performing arts._

 

Ritsu thinks the tea today taste salty. Eichi isn't present today and Hajime left early for unit practice. Ritsu is all left alone in the terrace, it's been a week and _those thoughts and memories are_ still circling his head. He knows he’s sniffling a little and why the tea today tastes salty. He doesn't want to admit it so he stays there, quietly crying in the small enclosed area of the terrace garden.

 

“Ah, I used to like it a lot.”

 

Ritsu wonders if he's a masochist or something. He doesn't understand why he keeps pursuing this idol career if a part of him just wants to run off stage and hurl in the bathroom like a coward. He wonders about it a lot. Especially now.

 

It's probably because of how much he loves Knights. He loves his members and unit too much. He can't let go of them. Like a child with his favourite toy; inseparable.

 

He wiped his tears and snot with tissue and eats the cake in front of him. He downs all the saddening thoughts with cake and tea, not once thinking to himself that he could just go home.

 

 _I cried when I saw Mao performed_.

 

It felt heavy. It was bright coloured. It was _loud_. So many people were there. All to see Trickstar. Ritsu knew how big they've grown. He was happy. He cried.

 

He cried for hours. He was happy.

 

He was happy for Trickstar. He was happy for Mao. He was happy because Mao was happy. He was happy.

  
  
  


 

He was jealous.

  
  


 

He hated to admit it.

 

But _he was jealous_.

  
  


 

He wanted to be happy for Mao.

 

He really did.

 

But he was jealous to the core and it drove him into such an emotional state. He was feeling a mixture of happiness, anger, jealousy and many other emotions he didn't know the name to. He didn't like the feeling and left early. He texted Mao his congrats and ran off like a coward. _As usual_.

 

Mao kept calling him but Ritsu never picked up. He ignored all the calls.

 

He was in his room, crying for hours. Helplessly, uselessly crying like a brat he was. He never answered anybody's calls.

 

Izumi called.

 

_Voicemail._

( Ritsu glanced at his phone and let it pass.)

 

Arashi called.

 

 _Voicemail_.

( Ritsu didn't want to hear Arashi’s concerned bombarding voice. It ached too much. )

 

Natsume called.

 

 _Voicemail_.

( Ritsu could never talked to him anyway. It felt too similar to someone he knew. )

 

Mika called.

 

_Voicemail._

( Mika is kind and always assuring but Ritsu didn't want to burden him. )

 

Eichi called.

 

 _Voicemail_.

( Ritsu didn't want to speak to Eichi. He didn't want to at all. )

 

Rei called.

 

Rei called.

 

Rei called.

 

Rei called.

 

Ritsu picked up.

 

Rei doesn't scold him. Rei told him about Mao and how he was concerned, curious, worried and wished Ritsu was here. He didn't give Mao the phone. He didn't give anybody the phone. Ritsu didn't say a word. Rei hung up with assurance to give Ritsu's congrats to Mao even though Ritsu said nothing.

 

Ritsu skips school for a week.

 

Rei keeps telling Mao, Ritsu is unwell. Izumi nearly calls Rei bullshit but that was when Ritsu comes downstairs for the first time that entire week.

 

He's thinner, he's got red-rimmed eyes and he's a lot paler than usual. He has dull eyes and a hollow expression. He walks past the front door and straight to the kitchen.

 

Ritsu comes back to school the next week much to his dismay, Rei claiming something about not wanting a shut-in younger brother. Rei drags Ritsu out of bed and to school. He sends him directly to class too. Not very much to his dismay, Rei was only trying to be the older brother he was. Ritsu can't blame him for it.

 

Everyone looks at him with such concerned faces.

 

Ritsu stays quiet.

 

No offhand sly comments are said in class, clubs or even practice.

 

Ritsu stays quiet.

 

He has to walk home alone.

 

Mao said something about council work and unit activities being doubled. He chuckles about it, Ritsu only nods and hums in acknowledgment. Mao, for a fleeting moment, looks worried but quickly masks it with a hug, an apology and a forehead kiss. Arashi has track field practice, Mika has to work on sewing costumes for an upcoming live, Koga has unit practice and Yuzuru offered to help Mao with council work. Ritsu had nothing.

 

Ritsu finds himself in the music room. The piano is there, like always. Waiting to be played by those who wish to play it. Ritsu locks the door, draws the curtain and turns on the lights. He drops his bag and plays.

 

He plays.

 

It's not as good as Leo’s or Rei’s but it's _good enough_.

 

“ _How shitty,_ ” Ritsu laughs to himself. His movements are stuttery and messy. The keys are all wrong and awful but it's funny. It's like doing a horrible dance. Ritsu laughs.

 

He begins to write the notes down. The song sounds like a bunch of misplaced notes. Just like the weird dance he does when he tries to imagine it out. It's awful.

 

Extremely awful.

 

“I'm shit at this,” Ritsu says.

 

Ritsu goes home after slipping his most shittiest work yet under the Knights practice room door.

 

Tsukasa asks about it the next day. Showing it once more to Leo and Izumi, asking who wrote it. He kept going on and on about how good it was. Leo shrugs and Izumi looks clueless. Arashi comes late and was tasked to figure out who wrote the _mysterious_ score. Ritsu never mentions he wrote it but he sees Leo glancing over to Ritsu when he looked through the score.

 

Leo promises the youngest Knight that he'll try to record what it sounds like.

 

Ritsu never says a word about the music score. He just quietly hums a tune while stretching.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Do leave a comment if you want!


End file.
